BEAR-YOND BEAR-LIEF!!!

2006-11-06T14:28:00.000Z

Hi,

Just to let you know that the new Mouse of Commons novel: A MOUSE IN BEAR'S CLOTHING, is now available from www.Lulu.com

This adventure involves Charlie Grrr himself - as well as all sorts of other peculiar odd and mysterious goings on which Gladstone McWhiskers has to help solve.

The paperback edition can be purchased for £9.99 from the following link:

http://www.lulu.com/content/230668

The hardback edition can be purchased for £14.99 from the following link:

http://www.lulu.com/content/444803

Charlie insists that you read a copy - even if you have to steal it or else he will drool repeatedly over you and gobble up all your pies. What a bally bounder! ;(

Growls and best wishes,

Paul x

PS I have recently been working on a fictionalised version of the LOCH PIE MONSTER story, which is due to appear in the prologue of GLADSTONE MCWHISKERS AND THE BEARGRRRIAN DILEMMA, which I am currently working on.

2006-09-18T13:34:00.000Z

THE TALL TALE OF THE LOCH PIE MONSTER!!!!

Last time I wrote, I promised to tell the tale of the Loch Pie Monster and how Charlie Grrr dealt with the foul beastie.

As you can see - the Loch Pie Monster is truly a quite fearsome creature and it is true to say that Charlie Grrr did meet it - at least, just the once...

However - it would also be true to say that when Charlie Grrr saw the Loch Pie Monster - he simply RAN AWAY!!!

But not every bear acts in the same way and this was most certainly not the only sighting of the Loch Pie Monster by one of the furry kind; for only a week or two later, deep-deep in the countryside...

...Charlie's son - the great and growly Charlie Junior - had his own encounter with the gingerbread smelling Loch Pie fiend - and he dealt with the situation in quite a different way!!!

It all happened, one early autumn day - quite recently, when Charlie Jnr was out in his little car, Marigold The Fur-st.

He'd come out for the day - to take a little stroll down the canal...

...And to first an old monument... Not his father, mind - but a castle!!! (hehe)

However, the Loch Pie Monster was out and about too, that day!!

The beast soon spotted the little bear walking along the towpath and decided that he might make a nice snack...

Charlie Jnr was shocked, as he was about to enter one of the tunnels - to see the creature looming out of the darkness at him!!

Junior had two options - to face the beastie or to act like his father had - AND RUN!!!

BUT Junior didn't choose the running option - Charlie stayed to face his adversary!!

Junior stood and fought and very soon afterwards he found himself tucking into a delicious snack!!!

"Ah, well..." he thought as he drove home. "When it comes to the countryside - if you can't join 'em - EAT 'em!"

To finish with this time - here we have the photo of Paul's legs which previously I described as being far scarier than the Loch Pie Monster...

I'm right, aren't I!! Yiiiiiiikes!!!

All the best, Charlie fans!!

MORE SOON!!! xxx

2006-09-12T08:38:00.000Z

PHOTOS FROM A BIRTHDAY BEAR

SUNDAY 10TH SEPTEMBER 2006

Charlie, Kissifer and an edible friend...

De Vere didn't want to be left out of the birthday pictures...

Charlie had been expecting a slightly bigger birthday cake - he ate 72 and a half of those before getting full, you know!

Charlie Jnr shows up for the party!

Charlie admires his birthday card - whilst Jnr dreams of his future as a champion pie eater...

Charlie and Kissifer are accosted by a rebellious gingerbread thug on his way to the lake!!

Charlie's interest in the lake is limited - unless the rumours of the Loch Pie Monster are actually true...

Charlie enjoys reading his birthday card - he's not actually one years old mind - that's just how long he's been living with us!!

Charlie is slightly disappointed at finding no pies residing inside his card...

Charlie agrees to pose with a fan...

NEXT TIME:

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN CHARLIE MEETS THE LOCH PIE MONSTER AND A SCARY PHOTO OF PAUL'S LEGS!!!

OH MY!!! WHICH IS SCARIER?!?!

2006-09-08T08:11:00.000Z

CHARLIE GRRR'S BIRTHDAY SPECIAL - PART 2

Hi, Today I'm posting the second of the versions of how we first met Charlie, last September. Yesterday we posted my version written and today it is Charlie's turn to tell his version of events.

* HOW CHARLIE GRRR MET US!! *
by Charlie Grr, Himself…

Of course, the way I see it, is slightly different – I’m not denying that I’m very grateful for the help, but I do think we’ve all benefited quite evenly from us meeting. I mean, who was Paul before he met me? Exactly! So, you see my point…

It was a most embarrassing afternoon – that day in late August when I popped into TK PAW and didn’t leave for another two weeks. The truth can be told here, that the reason I’d entered the shop hadn’t been that I was in search of some bear socks for my large bear feet – but that in fact I had fallen head over paws with a lovely little furball who’d I’d seen in the shop and presumed was just shopping, like myself. I’d even begun trying to have a conversation with a doll on one of the shelves about possibly introducing me – but all she would say was “Mama” – and I quickly realised that the furball I’d been so keen on was nothing more than a stuffed toy bear!!

But that was just the start of my bad fortnight…

“Hey Sid…” came a voice – it was one of the shop assistants and they’d spotted me. “One of the bears is going walkies – someone must have put some new batteries in him…”

“Don’t be stupid, you fool!” I informed him. “My name is Charlie Grrr and I am a visiting celebrity from the country of Beargrrria… I know your British Education System is pretty hopeless when it comes to proper geography, but for your information, Beargrrria is on the tip of Bulgaria! In fact according to them it’s actually part of Bulgaria – but they would say that…”

But before I’d had any time to say any more – I’d been scooped up by a rather tarty looking member of staff with large hooped earrings and wearing a short skirt and blouse that looked like it hadn’t seen day light since 1973 – or possibly had been hanging in someone’s spare bedroom as curtains. The gentleman in question’s name was Sid and his co-worker was an old lady nick-named “Grandma” who was one of the till-“girls”…

“How dare you cart me around like a sack of potatoes!” I protested – but this did no good at all and no sooner had I growled in dismay than they’d whacked a security tag on me – priced me up at £17.99 and stuck me on the shelf! (The shame of it! Each strand of my fur is worth twice that much!) Still in shock, I didn’t have time to protest, before they’d closed the shop for the night and left me there in the dark with all those annoying stuffed toys.

Over the next two weeks I went through all sorts of trouble! I didn’t have my phone – and I couldn’t reach one without passing through the barriers and setting off an alarm. Each time I did this I got picked up by a security guard who thought someone had been playing with my batteries. I even resorted to trying to get customers to lend me their phones or on one day I tried to thieve one from a passing yob, who I hoped might try to steal my security tag, at very least. Alas he just stole all my clothes…

Of course, I was exceedingly embarrassed to be left naked in the store and I did try wearing a couple of nice frocks that were probably meant for overweight teens! Well, at least they fit me! All the same they were pretty itchy and that darn doll kept teasing me and in the end I got hungry and ate the stupid frocks. They were even less tasty than the foam pies I’d discovered on the first day – which was pretty much my staple diet for those two weeks.

It was on the 9th September, a Saturday – that I caught the first sight of Mr Chandler, little realising that he and Mr Neph were to be my saviours. There I was – scoffing a pie – or maybe half a toy bunny rabbit – but no-one’s going to get me to admit to that… Anyway – over they came and I sort of froze on the spot – and stupidly thought that maybe Paul might scream and call security if he saw me moving about noshing away on the shop’s produce. Part of me did wonder if, maybe they actually worked for the shop in some managerial role. But no…

To be perfectly frank with you I was beginning to go native – it may only have been two weeks since I’d entered the shop, but to me it seemed like much longer. I’d gone from being indignant and wanting to leave, to becoming scared to be manhandled by the security guards. I’d decided to find my own way out – maybe dig a tunnel or go invisible or bungi-jump, which is hard when you’re in a basement department! I’d had all sorts of plans – but the trouble was I was beginning to become used to my new life style – it was bringing out the lazy bear in me and I suppose I simply wasn’t in as much a rush to leave as I had been …

As I say, I really wasn’t thinking straight…

Because I’d been acting so stupidly I lost my opportunity to ask for help and Paul and Neph had moved on by then. I was furious with myself, thinking I’d never see them again, of course! In some ways this revelation shook me into making more of an effort to return to my old life – so I could go back to being the wonderful, charming, talented, furrytastic star I am today!

That night I sat up late trying to think of a plan with only that darn “Mama” doll for help. At one point she did suggest that I dress up like her mum and escape that way – but that girl couldn’t help but bring her mother into every conversation, so in the end I rejected her idea and tried instead to nibble the fire alarm in the hope of causing a distraction, so that I could slip away once the fireman arrived. Alas, I nibbled the wrong wire and set off alarms in a hotel on the opposite side of the square.

Little did I know that this was the hotel where Paul and Neph were staying and that perhaps if I hadn’t triggered the alarm they might have slept more soundly and had a long lie-in, never having had the time to return to the store to rescue me…

Luckily, fate was on my side – fate and a whole load of ill-mannered soft toys with whom I was wedged onto a shelf with next day when the shop opened. I had this little routine after closing time, where I had pretend arguments with the toys – pretending they were old managers or ex-bearfriends with whom I’d fallen out. Each night I had my fake arguments and I’d toss the toys off whichever shelf I choose to sleep on that evening.

“It’s ghosts!” claimed Sidney. “Or poltergeists – or both!”

“It’s your stupid imagination you dingbat!!” Grandma berated him but, of course, it was nothing of the sort – it was me!

I can’t tell you how surprised I was when I saw Paul and Neph in the shop again that morning and how shocked I was when they came over to speak specifically to me. “Are you okay?” they asked. “You don’t look as if you belong here…”

“Well, I don’t!” I explained. “I thought I saw one of my relatives here and the next thing I knew I’d been kidnapped…”

“That’s dreadful!” exclaimed Paul. “What with you being the ultra-famous, fabulous superstar Charlie Grrr…”

Ok – maybe I’m putting some words into his mouth, but I’m basically paraphrasing the gist of things. “You know me?” I enquired modestly. “Little ‘ole Charlie Grrr? I’m so flattered and yet quite embarrassed to hear that! You’re not a stalker are you?”

“No, we’re big fans!” explained Paul. “We know Shy Yeti and we know you often read his poems in your concerts… You’re practically responsible for his success – and what’s more Mr Grrr we think you’re stylish, tremendously talented and marvellous…”

“Why thank you!” I beamed. “But right about now, I’m also naked! Could you get me out of here and get me some clothes!”

“Clothes, Charlie? Don’t you want pies?” Paul asked.

“Pies would be nice too!” I agreed. “But I think the fact that I’m naked is of more pressing attention! I do hope nobody tries to take my photo with one of those camera phones…” Neph assured me they wouldn’t let that happen and so I suggested my idea. “Take me to the counter and buy me and then we can all leave!”

“What a wonderfully clever idea!” exclaimed Paul and even I had to admit I was a bit of a genius. That’s the thing with Super fans – Paul was so glad he could help me, that I’m pretty certain he was crying tears of joy when Neph paid for me. I, of course – was merely grateful – I wouldn’t have cried or anything!

…And so, having paid – we hurried from the store and headed for the pie shop – sorry, I mean – headed to get me some nice clothes and make sure I was dressed! The pies came later! In the end Paul was so insistent that I accepted his offer to go live at his flat and – well, over the months we all became good friends – and so that is how we met and that is how the story goes…

What a privilege it must have been for them to meet me!

Well - that's all for now... Hopefully we'll have some photos from Charlie's party to post up here next week! Bears only sadly - no humans - even Neph and I have to dress in bear suits. The star guest of the party is the bear in the picture below. Who might he be, you'll be wondering? Well - that's Charlie Junior, Charlie's son - and he makes his first appearance in the Mouse of Commons novel GLADSTONE MCWHISKERS AND THE MOUSES OF PARLIAMENT, that I am currently well over half way to finishing...

Anyway - Happy birthday Charlie!!

More soon...

Yeti Hugs,

Paul xx

2006-09-07T08:20:00.000Z

CHARLIE GRRR BIRTHDAY TRIBUTE

Sunday 10th September 2006

Hi Folks,

On Sunday September 10th 2006, it is a year exactly since Neph and I first met Charlie Grrr in a shop in Manchester. As Charlie doesn't seem to be at all sure when his real birthday is and exactly how old he is (although it was recently discovered that he has been releasing singles since AT LEAST 1975 - we are going to celebrate his birthday this weekend. In celebration of the fact that he has also been living with us since 11th September, I shall also be putting up his rent - from that date. hehe.

We start the celebrations with a detailed account of how our very first meeting transpired and will follow it tomorrow with Charlie's version of events. Hopefully there will also be some photos from the bear's birthday posted sometime next week.

Charlie is currently busy preparing for a World Tour and also for promotional work for the next Mouse of Commons novel; A MOUSE IN BEAR'S CLOTHING - a book in which he stars and which is due out in the next few weeks.

* HOW WE MET CHARLIE GRRR!! *

By Paul Chandler

I can tell you the day I first met Charlie Grrr – I’ve actually got it noted in my diary. The first time I saw him was Saturday 10th September 2005 – in the department store TK PAW in Manchester, which is under the GROWLMARKS in the Centre of the City. I was up there on a book signing, with my Assistant Photographer, Neph Mexico (at the time simply known as Master Nephtali) and we’d decided to go shopping and there we were, in TK PAW just looking to see if there were any bargains and with a shopping list as long as the Great Wall of China, from my flatmate, a bear named Marcel, when who should we see in the toy section, but this fine looking bear squashed onto a shelf.

“Oh!” I said to Neph. “Do you think he’s supposed to be like that – he looks a bit stuck?” Neph wasn’t sure, to be honest. “Is he really a toy bear?” I wondered. “He looks very real…” He did indeed and appeared to be tucking into some suspiciously foam looking pies. Neph suggested that I ask him if we could help and so I did just that. “Mr Bear…” I said. “My friend and I were wondering if you were a real bear or not… And if you’re okay… You look a little squished… Is there anything we can do to help?”

The Bear sort of froze and looked embarrassed. His mouth seemed full and he didn’t move. Neph wondered what was up with him – but just in case he was dangerous I drew my friend away to a distance. “He’s certainly a real bear – but I’m not sure what’s wrong with him?” I said. “Best to leave him I suppose…” Neph agreed and so we did just that and we left…

That night, we had a fine evening, dining out with some friends in China Town and having a couple of drinks – but, to be honest – my mind was on the bear we’d seen in the shop earlier that day. The next morning, having slept restlessly due to a fire alarm being triggered off for no reason at about 3am, I still felt concerned about the bear’s situation and so, over breakfast, I spoke to Neph and admitted this and he suggested we went back.

As it happened – we still had a couple of hours to kill before our train arrived, my chauffeur being unavailable that day - and so as soon as the store opened we hurried down to TK PAW to see if the bear was still in the toy department. To think – if we’d have booked an earlier train or the shop hadn’t been opened on a Sunday we might never have got to know Charlie.

Still, it’s no point regretting things now!! (joke!!)

Anyway, there in the shop I wasn’t really expecting to still see the bear. “He’s probably gone by now!” I told Neph, although I still wasn’t sure why a real bear would be visiting toys. Just as I spoke I noticed Neph excitedly pointing at the shelves. “My goodness!” I declared. “It’s him – he’s still there – that bear!!” I noted for the first time that he wasn’t wearing any clothes – but I didn’t like to say anything and thought it best to remain discreet. There he was, on almost the same shelf as we’d seen him yesterday, but looking more ruffled and hungry and squashed than before. “Hello…” I whispered, coming up close and noticing he didn’t have any pies this time. “Are you okay? What going on?”

The bear’s face brightened as he saw us and he obviously recognised us too. “Do you have any real pies?” he snuffled. “I’ve just eaten three from this shelf that turned out to be pillows and now my tummy is full of little feathers…”

“We don’t have any pies with us!” I told him. “But if you come with us I’m sure we could get you one! What about some clothes – maybe we ought to sort you some new clothes too?”

“Clothes? Oh – I suppose so – but pies are the priority!! Thing is, you see – I really can’t leave!” he explained. “I’d love to come with you – but I’m being held hostage!! You couldn’t help me, could you? My name’s Charlie Grrr – I’m a top tv celebrity in my own home country… If you’re really nice to me I can get you a genuine and not at all forged signature of The Beartles…”

“Don’t you mean The Beatles?” I corrected.

“No!” Charlie sighed. “The BEAR-tles! The Beatles just copied us! Don’t say you’ve never heard of us! We were massive in Beargrrria until those Liverpudlian larrikins stole our thunder!”

“Ok, right!” Neph and I weren’t at all sure what to make of this bear, but he seemed friendly enough and we wanted to help him. “You said you were being held hostage – what happened?”

“I was shopping!” he explained. “I’d planned to speak to someone about arranging a gig down in some bear pub on Canal Street – but, well – I never got to keep the appointment because some stupid girl here thought I was a teddy bear and whipped a security tag around my neck and – well – I’ve been here for nearly two weeks now… I keep trying the pies on the shelves – but they’re made of foam – I’m starving! I had to eat a posh ladies hat the other day and I’m afraid I also stole her shopping too – but it was all salad! Ikk!” he frowned sadly and made a face.

“Why didn’t you speak to someone?” I enquired.

“I did!” he told us. “They just thought I was battery operated and each time just put me back on the shelf! I wouldn’t have minded, but the doll opposite kept giving me the eye and calling me “Mama” and I’m really not that sort of bear!”

Neph laughed and I had to try and silence him by feeding one of the pillow pies and sending him off to sit the corner. “Why didn’t you try to escape?” I enquired.

“I did!!” Charlie insisted. “As I said – they either thought I was battery operated or the security alarm on my neck kept going off… I couldn’t get rid of it! It’s so unstylish – plain white plastic – not even a diamond stud or a frilly piece of lace to spritz it up! You’re the first people to notice me and ask if I needed any help!”

I nodded. “Sounds like you’ve had an awful time! You’re family must be missing you… Didn’t you have a mobile phone?”

“Back in the hotel!” he sighed. “Although I’m sure it’s long been snuffled by one of the hotel staff – either that or I have a very large hotel bill to pay later… As for family – I don’t have any over here – the folk from the Beargrrrian embassy wouldn’t even know where I was in the first place and as for my friend De Vere he’s always away on business… Oh, it’s such a mess!!” he almost sobbed and I think even a tear or two fell upon his fur.

“Well, don’t worry about it any more…” I told him. “We’re going to get you out of here… I suppose we’ll have to go and buy you or something… Is that okay? If you want to come back to London with us you can always lodge with us for a while…”

“Really!” exclaimed Charlie, excitedly. “Really truly!?”

“I have a flatmate who’s a bear…” I said. “Marcel – he’s an explorer! I’m his biographer – he and this guy called Shy Yeti…”

“Shy Yeti!” exclaimed Charlie. “The poet?” I nodded. “I know him! I met him once – I often read his poetry at my shows!”

“That’s great!” I agreed. “But we really must get you out of here before someone thinks I’m mad talking to you like this! Do you know how much you cost?” Charlie shook his head and looked embarrassed. “We’ll ask at the till!” I said. “Just don’t sneeze or speak or act suspiciously, okay? Not until we get out of here!”

“Okay!” agreed the bear. “Then you’ll take me for a pie or five?” I told him I would, suspecting that he already knew his price, but embarrassed how little they’d priced him up as.

“£17.99…” said the lady at the counter – it sounded plenty to me – but Charlie obviously didn’t agree. Thankfully Neph had the money as I hardly had any at the time and so we paid and left.

“I’ll be writing to complain, you know!” Charlie said furiously, once his tag had been removed. “I’m a big star, you know! I won’t put up with this sort of appalling behaviour!!”

The cashier looked at him strangely. “Okay love!” she laughed and then turned to me. “Bit gobby this one, chuck…” she said. “You’ll probably want to take the batteries out…”

“Oh yes…” I nodded. “If only it was that easy…”

Never a truer word has been spoken in jest, dear readers!

TOMORROW!!!

HOW CHARLIE GRRR MET US!!!

2006-07-12T10:50:00.000Z

Hello Everyone!!

I'm so sorry that I've not posted in absolutely ages. My little diary postings sort of petered out because nice Mr Chandler decided to use my adventures as the source of one of his Mouse of Commons books: A MOUSE IN BEAR'S CLOTHING, which is currently being proof-read and will hopefully be available in September. Another of the Mouse of Commons adventures: MOUSE IN A BOTTLE is due out at the start of August and I'm happy to announce that I also feature in one or two of the short stories in the short story collection: MOUSE TALES AND MICE TAILS, which should be available in the autumn. Not only that but I'm also in GLADSTONE McWHISKERS AND THE MOUSES OF PARLIAMENT - an even newer Mouse novel which Paul is currently working on!!

It's all go in the world of Charlie Grrr - not that I'm having to do very much about it - just sit back and eat pies and plan my next world tour.

One item of Charlie merchandise that can be already purchased, again by the lovely Mr Chandler is his new poetry collection: POEMS TO MAKE BEARS GROWL, which I edited and posed for photos for. It's a very colourful collection (although can also be purchased more cheaply in black and white) For further information take a look on www.lulu.com and just type Paul Chandler or the titlt into the search engine!! Da-taaaa! There it is...

How marvellous!!

Do have a look at least - you'll be able to see the cover - I'm looking very handsome indeed!! ;-)

Pies and grrrs...

Charlie xxx

2006-01-31T17:54:00.000Z

* POST No. SEVEN

CHARLIE GRRR MEETS JASPER GROWL…

Jasper Growl was rather a disappointment at first glance – I’d kind of imagined someone grander – someone more impressive somehow. He just wasn’t that at all! He was kind of old, I suppose somewhere between one and a hundred years old – but he was looking good on it, to be honest. He was quite short and quite plump – with mad sticking up fur like some sort of made ursine professor. He wore tiny spectacles and white lab coat – the only hint that he was anything more than dull and business minded was the small red badge on his coat that read: I LUV FUR.

“Come in – come in…” he called out as I paused in the doorway, uncertain whether to wait or step forward. “I can spare you about twenty minutes – I have another client to see straight after and then I’m due to be fitting a chastity belt at three… So, I’m really rather busy…”

“Oh… Right… Well, I’ll come in then…” I said, rather aloss for words – my eyes, however, darting around the room incase my costume might be hanging from a coat hanger somewhere. “It’s nice to meet you…” I continued. “Finally…”

“I’m sure it is…” nodded Jasper distractedly, playing with some papers in his hand and glancing at his watch as if my arrival was some sort of inconvenience to him. Suddenly, he stared right back up at me. “I can hear your brain ticking over and I can see your eyes twinkling! You’re excited, yes? Excited about what the future might have in store?”

“I was rather wondering what you were recommending I wear, to be exact…” I explained. “I’m very excited about wearing one of your creations – I’m quite a fan…”

“Of course you are!” Jasper nodded. “Why wouldn’t you be? I’m extremely good at what I do and I presume you’re of at least average intelligence and appreciate my talent…”

I wasn’t quite sure what to say to that! This was someone who made me look like some kind of modest Samaritan who not only had been born egoless, but wouldn’t have understood the meaning of the word arrogant if it had jumped up and kissed them full on the lips. “Well then…” I said. “Do you have something exciting for me… I’m aware that they who rule around here would prefer me to only socialise out and about if I’m wearing a disguise or something…”

“Are they saying you stand out too much or something?”

“Yes – well I suppose that’s partly it… I was expecting London to be slightly more open minded about it’s tourists…”

“You expect much too much, Mr Grrr…” smiled Jasper. “In someways London was a far more cosmopolitan, modern and accepting city in Victorian times than it is in the early days of the twenty first century…”

“You think so?” I queried, scratching my furry head to fathom quite where he’d gotten his information from. “How come? What makes you say that…”

“Oh I dunno…” Jasper replied flippantly, squinting slightly. “It just sounded grand so I thought I’d just say it anyway – nothing factual… Anyway…” he got up from his desk and hurried me across his office. “Come over here – I have something to show you… I need to know what you think of it?”

Nodding, I followed him across to a display stand, a mannequin if you will and there upon the mannequin was the finest – the most impressive set of robes you have ever seen. It was as if they’d been weaved by some ultra intelligent pack of spiders. Yet, these were spiders had woven these garments from the finest gold, silver and bronze fibres. I don’t exaggerate when I say they were fit for a king and most certainly they were fit for a bear such as myself. “They’re amazing!!” I chimed. “Mr Growl – they’re perfect!”

“You may call me Jasper…”

“Jasper, these are fantastic! I love the way the crown is oversized so that it slips down over the face of the wearer. It’ll make a perfect disguise! I’ll just say I’m Visiting Royalty!”

“Disguise!?” exclaimed Jasper a little confused. “Oh no… This isn’t your disguise… This is just something I knocked up for a little dinner party I’m giving this evening…”

My face fell – Jasper must have noticed. “Oh…” I heard myself growl disappointedly. “It’s just that I thought…”

“Sorry… No… I just wanted your opinion… Still, I’m glad you like it!” beamed Jasper. “Now – come this way… This is something I’m sure you’ll like to see…”

“Really?” before I could ask any more he was hurrying me up some stairs to a little balcony where there was a rather vibrant display set up. It almost looked like something out of a museum. This time the mannequin was of a beggar – a Fagin type and the whole backdrop was set as if it was Victorian London or something similar. As I say – the figurine was dressed like a beggar, but when the clothes are made by Jasper Growl the finished result is something rather magical. The detail was perfect – the coat – like some kind of large duffle coat came with a hood. It was the garments of a man down on his luck – but it was beautiful made. The richness of the product aligned with the type of person it had been made for was quite exquisite – quite curious – an attractive anomaly.

“What do you think, Mr Grrr?” asked Jasper – eager to see my reaction.

“Do call me Charlie…” I insisted and then continued. “It’s gorgeous, Jasper…” I replied. “So beautifully made – this must have taken you ages to design…”

“Not really, Charlie… I’m a fast work and I employ good workmen to cut the cloth and sew the materials… I design the clothes – but I love the work… So you like it, then?”

“Very much!” I nodded, circling the mannequin to admire the coat from all angles. “It’s amazing, Jasper – and just my size – it should disguise me wonderfully – much better than being a king – better to dress conservatively and move around the city unseen…”

Jasper frowned again. “I’m very sorry Charlie… But there’s been a bit of a misunderstanding here… I’m afraid that this isn’t your costume…”

“Oh right…” To be honest I was getting cross at this. What did he have in store for me, then? It could either be something wonderful and elegantly crafted – but if so then why couldn’t I have had one of the other two costumes? I was afraid now… I feared that what he had in mind for me was going to be nothing more than a sheet with two eyes hacked out of it! “May I see what you’ve made for me now, Jasper?”

I didn’t want to offend him, but feared I probably had. “Oh, very well!” he flounced. “I was under the misconception that you’d be interested in some of my recent work – you did say you were a fan – but I see that in fact you’re not really very interested at all!”

“Not at all, Jasper… I’m just a little bit stressed… My arrival in this country has been dogged by all sorts of hiccups and…”

“Yes, well I’m no more concerned by that than you’re concerned about my designs it would seem – I’m just here to provide you with something to wear…”

“EXACTLY!!!” I thought to myself but said nothing and let him lead me towards a cupboard at the far end of the balcony.

“Here you are…” he said. “This is yours… Try it on… I hope you like it… If you need me to take it in or make it bigger cos you’ve put on some weight then just call one of my tailors… I’m afraid I have another appointment, Mr Grrr! Goodbye now! It’s been most enlightening!”

“But Jasper, please…”

“Mr Growl to you…” he called after him, with a sob in his voice as he almost fled back passed the Fagin display and down the stairs, a vision of billowing lace and clasping a handkerchief over his nose.

“Blimey!” I muttered. “I made Jasper Growl cry!”

This had not been the intention, at all! I felt rather bad about it and also a little concerned about whether I’d be allowed out safely from Growl’s Underground Fashion House. After meeting the journalist, Nephtali down in the basement and after him vanishing into the shadows without me noticing I did indeed fear for my existence. To be honest – I quite literally grabbed my costume from the cupboard – open mouthed in shock I didn’t even try it on – it looked big enough, but I wasn’t staying to try it on. Within minutes I was on my way out – asking directions back to reception and within ten minutes I was back out on the street and only too glad to see Deeley waiting for me in the taxi.

“Take me home!” I called to him. “Back the Embassy… I’ve had enough for one day…”

“Sure boss!” purred Deeley. “You got your disguise?”

“I got it…” I replied.

“Any good?”

“Not quite what I expected…”

“Does it fit? Can I see?”

“You’ll see sure enough… If you’ll be good enough to accept the position as my permanent chauffeur then you’re bound to see it eventually….” I showed him what was inside the Jasper Growl bag I’d purloined from the Fashion House.

“Blimey…” exclaimed Deeley. “Now I wouldn’t have thought of that one…”

And neither would I!

I expect you’re wanting to know what exactly Jasper had made for me. Well, it was lovingly made, of course. In his usual grand detail and using all the best materials. Using my measurements he’d made me a disguise that fitted like a glove…

But it wasn’t a coat made for Royalty and it wasn’t a jacket made for a beggar…

Oh no… Jasper Growl had made me a suit that covered me from top to bottom. The sort of thing you’d see the team mascot for a football team wearing or one of those people who collects for charity on the streets. Jasper Growl had made this bear a suit that closely resembled a wild animal – but a quite obviously it was simply a suit – not an identical replica. A novelty costume or replica like those mascots or the pantomime horses you see on stage… The sort of costume a man would wear – no-one would think twice if a bear was hiding inside one instead… It was the perfect disguise and one that allowed me the freedom of the city – to blend in – in some bizarre and typically London manner…

It’s just that his choice of novelty animal was especially ironic.

Jasper Growl had made me a bear suit!!!

2005-10-24T13:21:00.000Z

* POST No. SIX:

CHARLIE GRRR AND THE WAITING ROOM… *

As you may have gathered by now the dates when I post my little musings do not relate to the dates on which they occur. Infact they occurred some while back – not years ago – but some days or weeks ago in some cases. The dates are NOW – in periods when I have time to write – so sometimes, if I get caught up in some pretty pickle or other I get delayed and then lose track of what I’ve been writing…

As you can see – it’s been a few days since I last posted. I have been caught up in all sorts of predicaments over the weekend – but I can’t possibly tell you about them now, but needless to say they were exceedingly exciting and I shall write about them in a while. I’ll say one word – SHY YETI… and leave it at that. You’ll see what I mean, when I reach that point of the story.

Anyway – as of NOW, I’ve got a few spare minutes to post again and pick up from where I was back on Friday morning at whatever god awful time of day I was typey-typing away for your enjoyment. Of course – where we last left the story I’d just entered JASPER GROWL’S SHOP – been dropped through a large trap door in the floor by a rather irritating and rude receptionist called Lucky and found myself talking to a photographer named Neph, who then promptly went and vanished…

As it happened I wasn’t supposed to have been dropped through the trap door and where I was supposed to have ended up was Jasper Growl’s Waiting Room – which is where I will pick up the story. This was quite a different kettle of fish altogether – for as dull and dark as the “Trap door room” had been – the Waiting Room was a place of perfect splendor. In fact I enjoyed it so much that I stayed the night and some of the following day – partly because Jasper Growl was taking so long making my disguise for me and also mainly because I was loving it there…

The Waiting Room was Paradise, basically… Not only was the room full of fine art and colourful paintings, but you should have seen the spread that was being laid on for me as I arrived – all SORTS of pies containing flavours beyond my wildest dreams. (Porcupine and Leek!) On top of that I had never in my life tasted anything quite as delicious as the Parakeet and Broccoli flan which came with an Edam and Basil dressing!! Oh my! The deserts were almost as good and the 12 layer chocolate cheesecake served with a mandarin sorbet was probably the nearest thing to heaven I have and will ever encounter.

What is more there was entertainment! A couple of bears doing stand up – some dancers – singing – theatrics and what can best be described as creative striptease.

All this merriment went on for hours and as the night wore on I was shown to an area where I was allowed to sleep, in probably one of the most comfortable beds I have ever had the pleasure to take shut-eye in.

There was still no sign of Jasper Growl – but right about then I can’t say I was especially bothered. However, eventually, around lunchtime on my 2nd day in the Waiting Room I received a note from one of his assistants that my costume was practically ready…

JASPER GROWL IS PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THAT YOUR DISGUISE IS NOW READY FOR COLLECTION. PLEASE JOIN ME FOR COFFEE AFTER LUNCH AND YOU WILL BE WELCOME TO TRY ON THE GARMENTS. (BUT WOE-BETIDE YOU IF YOU GRUMBLE AT ANYTHING UNLESS IT’S SO TIGHT IT CHOKES YOU!!!)

I was slightly taken aback by some of the wording at the end of this memo – but I took it in my stride. There was no denying that Jasper Growl ran a rather odd business here – but at this stage I was still extremely glad that the meeting hadn’t been scheduled until AFTER lunch – having enjoyed it so much the previous day…

“Please take a seat Mr Grrr…” called one of the assistants - at first I thought it was Douglas, the cub I'd met before who had made me very comfortable on my arrival in the Waiting Room. However, this one's fur was darker and Douglas wasn't anywhere to be seen. "Mr Grrr - Mr Grrr - please be seated..." insisted this new bear. “Dinner is served…”

I took my seat at the table and stared at the rich picking before me… “Oh…” I said. “Is it the cook’s day off?”

“No!” the assistant looked surprised. “He has his good and bad days I’ll admit and I apologise – yesterday’s meal wasn’t his best – but today he’s back on form… In fact I probably should apologise for the entertainment too – you’ll find it a lot more fun here this dinner time…”

I nodded as the assistant bowed and then scurried away. Obviously his view of what was good and bad was slightly different to mine… For when I described the rich pickings before me I was most certainly being sarcastic. Upon the table was a rather tatty pile of marmite sandwiches covered in wilting lettuce leaves and something which might have been cheese mould. There was soup too – but that looked cold – in fact – to be honest it was so cold it was frozen solid and one of the waiting assistants appeared to have got his tongue stuck to the ice where he’d made the mistake of trying to lick up a couple of croutons on the way from the kitchen. What is more there weren’t ANY pies and not a quiche or a flan in sight and as for the pudding let’s just say that the cream in the chocolate éclairs weren’t so much off as positively crawling out the door and at one point had to be recaptured and returned to the table…

“Not hungry today?” asked the assistant, sounding concerned.

“I had a rather large breakfast…” I lied – infact I’d slept through breakfast and by now I was starving. They were beginning to bring out the entertainers by now – and the first lot they were wheeling out (I mean literally wheeling out) appeared to be a choir of old age pensioner bears who seemed half asleep and were quite immediately proven to be totally out of tune. “I think I’m ready for my after dinner coffee…” I said to the assistant.

“Oh…” the assistant looked a bit disappointed. “Are you sure you wouldn’t like to eat some more? Perhaps you’d just like to wait until the entertainers have finished…”

“NOT REALLY!” I snapped. “I really need to see Jasper Growl – RIGHT NOW…”

“Oh…” the assistant was beginning to tire of me in the same way as the receptionist, Lucky, had done so the previous day. “Okay…” he continued – running a paw through his fur to disguise his irritation. “COME WITH ME…” he boomed and checked quickly on his pager. “JASPER GROWL WILL SEE YOU NOW…” he said. “YOU WAIT ‘TIL YOU SEE WHAT HE’S GOT YOU WEARING…” he giggled.

“What? What exactly do you mean?” I called after him worriedly – but the anonymous assistant was already heading away and I had to jog to keep up with him. The grand doors at the end of the room were already swinging open and I was worried they wouldn’t stay open long enough for me to get through…

At last I was about to meet Jasper Growl…

TO BE CONTINUED…

CHARLIE xxx

2005-10-14T02:49:00.000Z

* POST No. FIVE:

CHARLIE GRRR IS LEFT IN THE DARK... *

I seemed to be falling forever...

In reality it was probably quite a short fall - at least the landing was comfortable - for me, anyway...

"Owww..." I'd landed on something soft that had made a given out a rather loud, indignant cry when I'd fallen on it. "Owww - that really hurt... Would you mind where you're falling next time, please?"

"Oh... Very sorry - are you alright... I couldn't see where I was going... Have I damaged you?"

Silence. Then... "No, no - that's okay..." To be honest I wasn't sure what to do next - I wasn't in the mood for talking and neither, it seemed was the shape that had just spoken to me. So after I minute or two I began to feel bored and so I popped out my Palm Pilot and began to blog away at one of my earlier entries to this site - keen to update you all on what I'd been going through... "What's that light?"

"Sorry..." I apologised. "Is it keeping you awake? I was just writing to some friends... I wasn't sure how much longer we'd be waiting here - I didn't mean to be rude..."

"That's okay..." said my companion a little grumpily - in the glow from my Pilot I could just make out a rather battered looking fellow in a leather jacket - with dark hair and large smiley teeth which didn't look quite so smiley just at the minute. He wasn't a bear - not at all, in fact - just a man. I soon began to find his staring at me a trifle intimidating so I let the light go off again. "You're very calm..." he continued. "For somebody who's just fallen down a shaft into a mysterious darkened room..."

"It's not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last... I must say I was expecting better hospitality - I don't think much of this Waiting Room - but I suppose it's all part of the top secret excitement of the place... Kills the time whilst they get your suit made..."

"I'd say you know more than I think I do..." said the man. "I've been here ages and I still don't know a damned thing..."

"Oh really?" I replied. "Well, how long have you been here?"

"About two days..."

I must admit I was shocked by this. "Golly - I hope they fed you!"

"I thought they were about to..." replied the man with a slight tremble in his voice. "To one of the bears..."

"Oh..." I didn't know what to say next. "Actually - I am a bear myself, but I promise I won't eat you - not even a nibble... I can't see you very clearly, but I take it you're not one of us... I mean, not a bear... So, why exactly ARE you here - at a bear tailors?"

The man sighed, as if wondering whether my question was some sort of trick or trap. "I'm a photographer and journalist... I came here on a story - all the way from Mexico to write a story about the bear scene - I mean - about the bears and other animals that live in the city..." he paused. "Gentlemen such as yourself..."

"Oh golly... Really?" I was quite impressed and yet also a tad concerned. "So, have you been poking around in places that you shouldn't?"

The man said nothing for a while and then replied. "Not as such..." he said and then went on. "Actually it was the Police - the human police that seem the least keen to admit there is anything other than ordinary folk living here in the city... I even spoke to a group of martians the other day... Very pleasant they were..." he paused. "I think I recognise you - you're Charlie Grrr aren't you? You're very big back home in Beargrrria?"

I must admit for a moment I felt very gushy and proud and I almost hugged the man, but then I suddenly got all paranoid and began to wonder if he wasn't some dreadful journalist intent on bringing down the good reputation of Beargrrria or even worse - the good reputation of ME!!! "I don't know what you mean..." I said at first. "My name is Phyllis Flange and I'm just the cleaner here..." I lied and then realised that I was convincing nobody - not my new friend here and neither myself!! "Okay... I am Charlie Grrr!" I admitted. "But what exactly are you intending to write about - because if it's anything inappropriate then I might just decide that I have to eat you after all!"

"Oh God... Please no... Really, it's honestly nothing bad..." he assured me. "I'm just fascinated by the whole country - I'm a big fan of you too - I even managed to get to see one of your shows... That bit on the last tour where you juggled the Herring - that was marvellous - I never knew Herring could sing!!"

"Very well, actually!" I nodded - now more convinced by his story. "What else did you like?"

"Those exploding grandmothers you brought in... They were very good and those Beavers who thought they were the love children of Shakespeare and Byron - I mean - those two were just plain deluded - they must have been so hard to work with..."

"I managed - they were difficult at first - but I have the knack..."

"I didn't think they'd let me in - but I wrapped up in a fur rug and got front row tickets..." he continued, but my audience were frequently pretty odd looking so there was no way I was going to remember him.

"Well, I'm very glad you enjoyed the show - you must come to another if we ever get out of this damn Waiting Room - how long have you been here - I suppose you'll be going in to see Jasper first?"

"Umm... Probably not - I don't actually have an appointment you see - I was just after finding out some more and I don't think they were very pleased... You do realise that this isn't the Waiting Room don't you? I think this is where they put the people who they don't want to see..."

"REALLY?" I was furious now. "That damn cub on reception... He didn't like it because I had a go due to his shoddy treatment of me when I arrived... Are you SURE this isn't the Waiting Room? Really?"

"Quite sure... When I first arrived there was another journalist, a postman and two milk men - apparently they'd all asked too many questions at reception and gotten dumped down here. They disappeared a while ago - one after the other - I'm not sure what happened to them actually..." he said and shivered. "But if it's any consolation I thought that guy on reception was a rather up himself..."

"He was wasn't he... Well, don't you worry about anything..." I told my new friend the journalist. "I DO have an appointment and I won't have us treated like this Mr... What is your name by the way?"

"Nephtali. Neph for short..." he begun, but I didn't hear much more because I'd started shouting.

"LISTEN HERE!!! I DEMAND YOU LET MYSELF AND THIS GENTLEMAN OUT... I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU THINK YOU'RE PLAYING AT - BUT I HAVE AN URGENT APPOINTMENT WITH JASPER GROWL ABOUT A DISGUISE AND THIS FINE FELLOW WILL BE ACCOMPANYING ME TO THE MEETING - HE'S MY NEW PRESS AGENT..." I decided on the spur of the moment. "I hope that's okay with you..." I muttered to Neph and thought I heard a grunt in reply. "IF I'M NOT IMMEDIATELY RELEASED FROM HERE THEN I'LL BE MAKING A REPORT TO THE BEARGRRRIAN EMBASSY TO HAVE YOU CLOSED DOWN... THIS IS APPALLING BEHAVIOUR!?! TURN THE LIGHTS ON NOW! DO YOU HEAR ME? WELL, DO YOU?" I stopped at that point, out of breath. "Let's hope that did the trick, ey Neph..." I grinned to myself.

Before Neph could reply, there came a crackling noise and voice suddenly boomed out in the darkness. "I'm terribly sorry, Mr Grrr - this is Jasper Growl here... I must apolgise for my receptionist, Lucky can rather overreact at times - he can be a tad trigger happy with the old trap door... We do indeed have an appointment and I'm just putting the finishing touches to your disguise now - if you could just bear with me a while longer - my Senior Assistant, Douglas will be there in just a moment to escort you to the real Waiting Room - which you'll certainly find a lot more comfortable... Once again - my very sincerest apologies... I'll see you very soon..." the speaker crackled off and all was silent and dark once more.

"What about Neph here... He's with me... Don't worry fella... I'll sort them out... Are you okay there?" Neph didn't reply - but just then the lights started coming on and for the first time I saw the dank empty cell in which I'd been sitting for the last 20 minutes or so.

"Terribly sorry, Sir..." I could hear a bear calling from just outside a large metal door. "I'll just let you out and get you to the Waiting Room - you must be very lonely in there - I'm very sorry..."

"Not lonely..." I began. "I had company... But it is rather smelly and dark, isn't it Neph?" I turned to my friend. "NEPHTALI?"

The room was empty - there was nobody there but me!!!

TO BE CONTINUED...

CHARLIE GRRR xxx

2005-10-13T16:43:00.000Z

* POST No. FOUR:

CHARLIE GRRR GETS THE MEASURE... *

Okay, now please don’t laugh…

I did solve matters, but I’m not sure I’m really quite so proud of how I managed it…

“Excuse me…” called the Policeman, I winced as I recognised his voice – of all of the Policemen to bump into – I’d just bumped into Trevor – the one member of the force I most wanted not to bump into. The one member of the force who might just about remember that I was supposed to still be under house arrest back at the Beargrrrian Embassy. “Excuse me…” he repeated. “But you’re parked illegally and are blocking the road – have you broken down…”

Deeley was about to open the door and try and come up with something – but I put a finger to my lips, squeezed myself through the small gap in the glass between the customers side of the cab and the drivers, grabbed a couple of props, ushered for Deeley to hide under the seat and then I opened the door. “Can I help, officer?” I asked.

“What is the meaning of this? I’ll need to see your driving license, Sir! Oh…” he paused when he saw me, open mouthed. “I’m terribly sorry madame!” he continued. “I must have mistaken you…”

I acted upset – there I stood – wearing the permed wig that Deeley had used and rolling my trousers up seductively to show a flash of leg to distract, my face painted powdered up slightly to impress (luckily I’d been eating a Sherbet Dibdab and that had come in handy and I was trying to show as much furry cleavage as possible. It looked like the plan was working – I pretended to cry. “You mistook me for what, Officer? You called me Sir – are you saying I resemble a man? Are you? So I have facial hair issues – so I’m a little more muscly than most women… But a man? I’ve never been so insulted… Here I am – first day on the job and my taxi stalls for just one minute and you’re down on me like a small fat child on a cream cake… This is harassment I’ll have you know…”

“I’m sorry madame – I really am… Have we met somewhere before?”

“I very much doubt it…” I growled – trying to sound as much like a lady as I could. “If you’re always so rude to people I’m sure I’d have remembered you… Now tell me – what form do I need to make an official complaint…”

“There’s really no need for that lady… I can see you’ve had a tough day – do you want to try the motor again… It’s been a really drizzly day – maybe the rain’s gotten into your engine… Let’s just see if we can get you going again and we’ll say no more…”

I stepped aside, content that Deeley was well hidden and Trevor the Policeman, jumped in – turned the key in the engine and, of course – it started first time. “There you go…” he smiled. “All fine and dandy… All you needed was a man’s touch…”

“A what?” I exclaimed. “Are you saying I look like a man again…”

“No madame… No… Not at all… I’ll let you get on now…” As he moved away from the car I made sure he had to brush very closely up against me – just to make him feel awkward (it was rather nice too) “Drive safely – have a nice day…”

“Thank you for your help Officer…” I grinned. “Thank you very much – I couldn’t have done it without you… If there’s ever anything I can do to help…”

But Policeman Trevor was long gone…

By the time I clambered back into the taxi I was exhausted, damp from the rain and feeling ridiculous for having just dressed up as a lady – but at least it had been worth it. “Deeley? Get us out of here will you?”

“What? Okay… Right… Has he gone?” Deeley popped up from under the seat looking as if he’d probably been fast asleep throughout all my recent trauma with the Police – but I didn’t say anything. “Oh – and thank you for helping…”

“Not at all…” I sighed – but hastily begun removing the wig and the sticky sherbet mess.

“I was just looking at the map…” Deeley explained- it was about time. “The place you’re looking for is just around the corner…”

“Good work kitten – let’s go then…” I smiled. “I reckon you’ll get the hang of this soon enough, young fellow – if you get a bit of experience in I might even employ you as my chauffeur if that’s something you’d be interested in…”

“Oooooh yes sir… Most definitely sir…” he purred. “I’ll do everything I can, Sir…”

“Good stuff! Here we are!” we’d pulled up outside GROWL & SONS, BEAR TAILORS, which being so close to Oxford Street I’m surprised noone had ever queried the existence of. “Whilst I’m at it Driver, you wouldn’t know the address of a bar, a restaurant or a club that is good for bears do you? I don’t suppose you do, being a kitten…”

“I’m too young for bars, Sir…” replied the eager kitten. “But I did overhear two men discussing a “Bear Bar” called the Kings Arms just off Poland Street, not far from here!”

I thanked him at this point, noticing that time was getting on – gave him a tip and hoped I’d see him again soon. With a wave, I wrapped my scarf back around my neck and jumped from the cab, pressed the bell on GROWL & SONS door and was buzzed straight through to reception. “Hello… I’m here to see Jasper Growl to be measured up for some sort of top secret disguise… All very hush, hush I’m sure you must understand…”

No sooner had I commented than I was surrounded by a whole host of helpful cubs holding clipboards, tape measures and sketchpads. They came at me like a whirlwind and then disappeared almost as quickly. “Jasper Growl will see you soon…” said a rather tarty looking cub with a bad mullet hairdo and a pair of dungarees. “Will you wait in the waiting room please…”

I must say I was a trifle bemused by the way I was being treated and not at all sure I liked the tone of the young cub’s voice. “Do you know how long he’ll be?” I enquired.

“About 6ft…”

“No – not how tall – how long, in minutes it will be before I am due to meet him…”

“None at all, sorry…” snapped the cub and then turned back to his copy of HEAT Magazine and a plate of cream éclairs.

I was tempted to get really cross at this stage – but I was polite and I didn’t. The room I stood in was painted a rather sickly shade of beige and other than a picture of some pin-up bear above the reception I couldn’t see anything else of note. Whatsmore I couldn’t even see another door or a chair to sit on – not any form of waiting room at all. Getting a little bit perplexed by now I sighed and approached the reception desk again. “I’m really sorry to interrupt your tea break – but where exactly IS the Waiting Room?”

The cub looked up to me as if I’d just insulted his mother. “The Waiting Room?”

“Yes, please…” I replied – almost fuming by now. “You told me to wait in it – but I can’t if I can’t even find it in the first place…”

“Well, did you look?”

“I looked…” I responded, giving him a quick twirl to indicate just how exactly I’d done so. “Lots of beige paint, light bulb, door to the street, carpet, reception desk, prickly and rather rude receptionist – YES, YES, YES – but no Waiting Room… Could you help?”

The cub at the desk said nothing for a second and then smiled brightly, which seemed unusually friendly coming from him. “The Waiting Room is now ready for you – do enjoy your trip, won’t you…” Before I even had a chance to ask, he’d pressed a button on the desk – the floor beneath my feet had opened up and all of sudden I was standing over what can best be described as a rather large hole.

For a moment it was as if I was hovering in thin air. “Well, I never…” I said to myself. “So much for gravity…” – but it didn’t last long - and then, with a large screech, I fell…

TO BE CONTINUED…

Charlie Grrr! xx

2005-10-12T15:36:00.000Z

* POST No. THREE:

CHARLIE GRRR AND THE TAXICUB… *

Oh, how easily ones hopes can be dashed…

I had big hopes for my future – to actually escape from the Embassy and get on with things - but as usual it’s not quite what I had imagined…

This first post doesn't even involve my meeting with Jasper Growl - that I'll write about tomorrow - this first bit is just about my journey on the way there!! You'll never believe it...

It was after breakfast this morning, that Monday announced that there was a taxi due to pick me up in time to deliver me safely at Growl’s shop somewhere up in the Oxford Street area. “We can’t let you go on the bus – it would cause too much dismay…” he explained – I’d been perfectly happy to travel there myself in some sort of all-concealing raincoat, but seeing as it was actually quite a sunny day Monday wasn’t convinced. “Somebody from TAXICUBS will come and pick you up and deliver you door to door so that nothing can possibly go wrong…”

“I can’t see how anything could possibly interfere with the arrangements!” I assured him.

Of course – as ever – such grand statements always come back to haunt you…

However, at first I thought things were actually going to run smoothly. The taxi from the expected company arrived and Monday waved me hastily inside and we drove off. There was no need for any disguises at this stage, I was told, as the taxi firm were in the know - so I just put on some dark glasses and my lucky silver chain and that was all I bothered with... I was so busy looking out of the window at the autumn colours in Hyde Park that it was only about an hour after we’d left Sloane Square that it occurred to me that something might not be quite right. We’d just driven passed Marple Arch for about the sixteenth time when I decided that maybe I should tap on the window and speak to the driver.

“Driver?” I called out. “Is there a problem… I was under the impression that you knew where you were taking me… I have an appointment at Jasper Growl’s and by the look of the time you’re going to make me late for it…” The Driver mumbled something and nodded from under his large cloth cap – but I couldn’t hear a word he was saying and being a trifle rude as I sometimes can be in these situations I reached forward and pulled the cap off his head. “Speak properly will you…” I told him. “Be clear… Do you know where we’re going on not, please?”

The Driver looked distinctly odd and seemed to be about to hiss at me, but then thought better of it. “I’m rrreally sorry Sir… Grrrrowwwllll! I do know my way – it’s just this is my first day on the job and London’s a pretty big place for a kit-err-a little cub like me!”

I nodded understandingly, “You’ll get used to it – even I can probably direct you to Oxford Street from here and I’m from Beargrrria…”

“If you could give me a little help then that would be very kind of you…” began the Driver and made a few snuffly noises, before nearly driving us into a lamp post, a burger van and a crowd of bratty looking teenagers on the way to cause mayhem. “Damn… Missed them…” the Driver mumbled. “Oooh! I’ve seen the sign to Oxford Street!” he cried loudly and then suddenly began to make a noise deep down in his throat.

“Excuse me…” I exclaimed. “Are you PURRING?”

“No Sir… Not at all Sir…” he replied and nearly crashed into a vicar who appeared to be about to steal a small Labrador puppy from outside of a Starbucks. “I was just singing…”

But he wasn’t singing – I knew that for a fact… “I thought this taxi company was supposed to be run by bears… Nobody but bears and Policemen are supposed to know that I’m even here at the moment… Do you not work for TAXICUBS?”

By now the taxi seemed to have given up the ghost in a side street and was probably blocking the way should anyone want to come down this stretch of road. “I do work for TAXICUBS, yes… But… But… This is my first day and…”

“But you’re not a bear…” I said as I switched on the light in the cab and peered through into the front seat. “Sir… You are a Grey and White Kitten in a bubble permed wig and longjohns… Wearing a Yogi Bear t-shirt doesn’t make you a bear you know… Even giving the occasional beary grunt doesn’t count… What is the meaning of this?”

The Kitten looked like he was about to cry. “Please don’t tell anyone Sir… I need the money and my friend Mac is having a week away in the Isle of Wight so he said I could work his shifts until he got back as long as I didn’t let on to his bosses and made sure I looked as much like a bear as possible…”

“Which you don’t…” I sighed. “Not one little bit… What’s your name, son?”

“I’m so sorry!” whimpered the now quite fearstricken feline. “The name’s Deeley, Sir!”

“Well, don’t look so upset, Deeley – I’m not going to get you into trouble… I just want to make sure we both don’t get killed and that I get to my appointment with Jasper Growl on time… Just as long as the Police don’t arrest you for poor driving and me for leaving the Beargrrrian Embassy… We can sort this out – you just see if we can’t…”

Deeley was looking very pale. Which is saying something for a kitten with an already furry white face. “I think it’s too late for that…” he mewed as a blue light seemed to flood the taxi and a loud siren began to drown out any conversation…

The taxi windows were steamed up but already the law was tapping on the glass. “Ok…” I sighed. “You’d better let me deal with this…” I said. “But you’re going to have to do exactly what I say… Do you understand?” Deeley nodded. A plan was forming but I really wasn’t sure if they would fall for it… Just perhaps if I could be very clever…

TO BE CONTINUED…

Much love!

Charlie Grrr xxx

2005-10-11T15:05:00.000Z

* POST No. TWO:

CHARLIE GRRR UNDER HOUSE ARREST... *

Really, where on earth did I get the idea that coming to the UK was ever going to be plain sailing!

No wonder Elvis never came over here to tour if this is the sort of greeting he was told to expect!

I’ve been here since Saturday and the only thing of note that has happened since I last wrote is a game of hide and seek I forced poor Monday into, yesterday afternoon. How embarrassed the poor bear looked when he was found skulking inside a large Grandfather Clock by some visiting dignitaries, whilst hiding from me. It was rather amusing though!

To be fair, they have been very good to me here at the Embassy, but I really haven’t time to get caught up such diplomatic intrigues! I’m nobody’s embarrassment, I’ll have them know – back home I’m the pride of Beargrrria! (Ok, so I exaggerate!) But this isn’t the first time I’ve been the victim of such rabid xenophobia – I should have realised when I got turned down for the Eurovision Song Contest earlier this year, having won the initial country heats. We were told we were from a POLITICALLY VACANT Country, which meant nothing to me then, but which I now realise means that Beargrrria is one of those places that they know exists but which they’d really rather nobody actually talked about!

You see, they can’t be coping with a country full of talking bears I’m afraid – which, quite honestly, is rather poor show on the part of the politicians. These days they’d rather hang out at celebrity parties with Bono or Sir Bob Geldof and they certainly don’t want to be seen with celebrity bears! Of course, I’m not the first ever Bear to enter the country – nor even the first talking bear – there are others here but they keep to themselves and don’t tend to court media attention and don’t mix with non-furs…

BASICALLY, THEY’VE NEVER MET A BEAR LIKE CHARLIE GRRR…

You know, the more I think about it the more I realise that we could have won Eurovision – it still sticks in my throat! That was a good band I put together – Los Fuzz Maricon we were called. We had a song called Los Osos Pegajosos and it went Top 10 all over Beargrrria. It was a strong team – me and five bilingual badgers in nothing more than Mexican Hats, lycra body stockings and Ballet Shoes, with a couple of honey drenched gnus on backing vocals. We were sort of Eurorock Performance Art and Elton John was keen to have us at one of his famous parties, only the band split up after we were infested by irate Hamsters during a festival in Portugal – at which point the badgers quit and the backing gnus quite literally exploded on the spot. Last thing I heard two of the badgers had been seen dj-ing in Ibiza with a rather eccentric Porcupine called George.

Anyway – enough is enough I decided this morning – the Police still hadn’t come back to us – so after breakfast I finally spoke to Mr Monday again. “Listen…” I began. “I don’t wish to sound ungrateful but this is really getting to me – I have important business to attend to! I’ve been tipped off about a trio of Armadillos who have formed a boy band which I’d like to manage for a start… They’d go down a storm back home… I have meetings - people to see – art statements to make – salacious tabloid interviews to give and a couple of glamorous starlets hanging off my every word – not to mention my bedposts back at my luxurious new loft space apartment in Soho Square…”

Monday had heard it all before – but he was a stickler for the rules. “I’m afraid it’s not as simple as that…” I knew it wouldn’t be and had exaggerated rather to make my point. “These things have to be done properly!” he continued, but I was full of my own ideas.

“Can’t I just go out in a big wig or under a bag or something… There are all sorts down the Kings Road – no-one would give a second look! Let me go to my flat and I’ll check in every day until the Police sort themselves out! I have a splash to be making – an image to play up to… Can’t you just turn a blind eye and then let me escape out a window…”

“I really don’t think so…” sighed Monday. “These offices are five floors up and there are no external ladders to grant a quick exit – you’d hurt yourself Mr Grrr and we couldn’t allow that!” he could see how impatient I looked, but hadn’t finished. “I quite understand how you must feel and it is extremely annoying, but you must bear with us a while longer, please – we don’t want to cause a situation!” I wasn’t so sure, myself – but didn’t want to upset Monday – he looked so serious there in his smart suit and thick lensed horn rimmed specs. “Before you say any more Mr Grrr, I’d just like to add that we have been looking into arrangements which should allow you to leave the Embassy in disguise, by lunchtime tomorrow. You’ll be meeting with Jasper Growl tomorrow for a fitting – he’ll be running you up some sort of costume and making sure everything runs smoothly!”

“He will?” I was quite excited at first. “Really! Jasper Growl – he’s a big name in fashion – I’m impressed! What has he got for me? Viking gear – something chic in black velvet? Sequinned hotpants? I suppose he’ll have his own ideas but it did suddenly just occur to me that the hippy look might work! You know – big kaftan and with all my fur hanging over my face – some beads and lots of hash pipe smoke to conceal my features…”

“Most ingenious, but I don’t think that’s the look he has in mind…” Monday explained. “I think it’s something a little more… subtle isn’t exactly the word I was looking for…”

“Have you seen it already?” I wanted to know… “You must tell me?”

But no – he jolly well wouldn’t. “You’ll see tomorrow…” was all he would say…

And so I must wait – one more day… But this is the last time I wait, mind…

More soon…

Kind Regards and growls,

Charlie Grrr xxx

2005-10-09T23:15:00.000Z

* POST No. ONE:

CHARLIE GRRR'S GRAND ENTRANCE... *

London's not quite the place I'd always imagined it was going to be...

I'm beginning to see where there might be a problem!

I arrived at Heathrow late yesterday afternoon, 5 hours after departing Beargrrria Airport in my home made Spitfire (made from lolly sticks) - my arms feeling very tired from lots of emergency flapping during the journey. Overall, I was happy - I'd made it! Of course, back home my plans to arrive in London and form my very own "Arts community" was met with much Press attention. I suppose I was naive enough to presume that some of this chatter would have spread over the the U.K., but it rather seems that London doesn't consider such matters of any interest - it's not news! Even when a guy swoops into Heathrow in a plane made from lolly sticks!
I'm beginning to think that compared to life in Beargrrria - life in London is actually slightly backward! Who'd have thought it! After the 60s and all - oh never mind...

I have a lot of work to do here...

I'm probably underplaying things when I say my arrival caused no attention - the airport Police did try and arrest me which excited me for a moment or two - but alas - when they saw me - stepping from my plane they rather lost their nerve, I think... There I stood with my smart ferretwoven suitcases and wearing my dapper Primark brown cordoroy jacket... (Ah yes - we have Primark in Beargrrria too - it's not all steak pies and pasties you know!) and I called out to them. "Greetings from Beargrrria - I appear to have landed a little awkwardly - if someone can just pack her away into a hanger somewhere I don't expect to flying off again anytime soon..."

"Bloody hell..." said one of the Policemen, which I felt was rather an unpleasant first greeting to someone just arrived in the country. "It's a talking bear..."

"Charles Grrr at your service..." I smiled. "Pleased to make your acquaintance... I am rather proud of my english, I must say - self taught you know from reading the sleeve notes of old Kate Bush albums..." I explained, crossing myself as I spoke the name of Her Who Will Be Adored.

"I've never seen the like of it..." said another of the Policemen. "Who'd have thought it? Should we call London Zoo..."

"Now listen young man!" I said and took a step towards them, very close to growling ferociously at the appalling manner in which I was being treated. "A joke is a joke... But I think you will find that my papers are all in order and if you care to call the Beargrrrian Embassy in Sloane Square then I think you'll find that I am not breaking any laws - as for my plane I do have a license for it and that your colleagues in air traffic control were quite well informed of my arrival..."

I needn't go into any more detail of the whole matter but needless to say - all WAS in order and I was hastily driven under Police guard to Sloane Square - where I have been based here in rooms at the Embassy ever since...

The Policeman (I believe his name was Trevor) had a word with the Beargrrrian Ambassador, a very kind gentleman who I know only as Mr Monday. "I realise that things are rather different in your country..." he said. "I realise that where you come from people are used to seeing fully grown bears living their everyday lives amongst everyday folk and that quite possibly - they are in the majority in your country... But it's rather more unusual in London... Also I understand that the bears in your native land have a good grasp of language - especially of English - however you will find that many UK natives themselves - don't even have a particularly good grasp of it - so the fact that YOU DO may seem a little strange to them..."

"I think Mr Grrr is beginning to realise this..." Mr Monday explained to Trevor the Policeman. "But in our country this gentleman is quite a household name - he shouldn't be prevented from bringing his talents to this country... It's quite against all human rights policy..."

"You don't want another war on your hands do you..." I interjected at this point. "I don't think Tony Blair could cope with that now - do you?!"

Trevor the Policeman looked slightly cross, but Monday had interupted again. "I'm sure it wouldn't come to that... But I do think that perhaps something should be done, whether it be via the media or with Police backing so that Mr Grrr can go about his business like anybody else... He's obviously not the only bear working here in the city and I'd be happy to give him some personal advice - but he can't be kept under house arrest for very much longer... Moreover he really mustn't feel that everytime he steps outside he is going to get dragged down to the Police Station or off to London Zoo..."

Trevor nodded - seeming to understand the problem - but he's not been seen since and that was over 24 hours ago... As Monday explained to them - this can't go on forever and I'm beginning to get itchy feet... There is a whole city out there to explore and Charlie Grrr won't be kept away from it for very long... You'll see...

Watch This Space... I shall post more very soon!

Kind Regards to you all back home,

Charlie Grrr! xxx